How Am I Supposed To Be Without You
by StarTrekFan83
Summary: This is a short one-shot of how Minerva handles Albus' death. It is inspired by Hana Pestle's song entitled "Need." Reviews are welcome.


**AUTHORS NOTE:** This is a short one-shot of how Minerva deals with the Aftermath of Albus' death. Let me know what you think. Thanks for stopping by and I hope you enjoy.

How Am I Supposed to Be Without You

"Snape killed Dumbledore." The words went through her mind so many times she lost count. She was numb.

She felt as though this great weight had rested upon her as she lay in bed. It was as though her whole life energy had been zapped out of her. How could Albus be dead? He was so strong and he always knew what to do. Voldemort had feared him. How could he be gone? Her heart felt so heavy and her eyes clouded with more tears. She felt as though a part of her had died too. Maybe it had.

Pain rippled through her. She had called for Snape. She, Minerva McGonagall had called for Snape. She clutched her chest in agony. She had caused Albus' death. She knew she didn't deserve to feel. She couldn't cry anymore. The tears refused to come; the pain was too deep. She lay in the same position for hours, no sleep would come.

"Albus, I'm so sorry," she whispered into her pillow knowing no amount of apology would bring him back. She couldn't even imagine what went through his mind in the last moments of his life. He must have known it was over. How had he felt? She would never know and it ripped through her. She had killed Albus and nothing would ever change that.

She knew she had to pull herself together because she had a school to run, but she didn't know how. Stepping into Albus' office a few hours ago had nearly destroyed her, but she didn't let Harry know that. He probably blamed her for what happened, but she didn't blame him if he did.

Before the funeral Minerva walked over to the white tomb feeling as though her heart would break. He just couldn't be laying there. The longer the thoughts plagued her the harder it was for her to accept it. But, when Fawkes had departed she knew it to be true. Fawkes was always Dumbledore's and the bird had lost his master, so there was no longer any reason for him to remain behind.

Unfortunately, Minerva didn't have a choice. She was left in the world, alone. She knelt on the marble base and opened her mouth to speak but her words failed her and she slipped all the way to the ground. There was no where she could run to escape the aftermath of the battle against Voldemort. In so many ways he had won, at least that was how she saw it. There were voids left that time simply would never be able to fill.

Her hand found its way to the marble again and she leaned against the unforgiving, cold base. She couldn't bear the still form of her best friend in the entire world. He had died needlessly. If she had never called Severus, he might still be alive. How the truth haunted her and tortured her.

She couldn't find the strength to stand. "Albus I needed you," she whispered. "I needed you," she repeated tears streaming silently down her face and dropping into her robes leaving no trace. "I want you to know that I would have died for you. I would have died so that you didn't have to."

"Minerva, he wouldn't have wanted that."

Startled Minerva looked up to see Poppy. She didn't dare speak. She couldn't. If she did she might give into everything she was feeling, that she simply didn't have the right to feel.

Poppy walked over to her friend and helped her up from the ground. "Come on, Min."

Minerva shook her head. "No! I should be here!" She pulled herself away from Poppy.

Poppy wouldn't give up. Tears fell from her eyes, but she pressed on. "Minerva, Albus wouldn't want you doing this to yourself. He would never blame you. He knew how it would end. You know he did."

Minerva glared at Poppy. "I'm the one who killed him. I called for Severus, Poppy, it's my fault," she stated in a hoarse voice. "I might as well have said the curse that killed him."

Poppy grabbed hold of Minerva and pulled her away from the tomb. "Minerva! Don't you ever speak like that! You didn't kill him! You did not curse him!" She continued to pull the struggling Minerva back towards Hogwarts.

Minerva could fight no longer and she let Poppy drag her back inside. She no longer cared what happened to her. She felt lifeless and lost. She didn't even notice that Poppy had led her to the hospital wing and helped her lay down on a bed. She was lost in the memories of what once was and could never be again.

When the funeral was over and Albus' body had gone in a flash of light Minerva had returned to Albus' office. She looked to the portrait of him on the wall. It wasn't even him, not really. The portrait was a memory of him. A memory that would hang in Hogwarts for as long as it existed, but it was not him.

She knelt to the floor and sat there just looking around. She lay down on the cold stone floor and looked up at the ceiling. She couldn't grasp the simple things at the moment. She couldn't understand how she was supposed to go on and be strong. But, she had to be. Voldemort was still out there and still strong and still ready to kill. She knew she couldn't let Albus' death keep her from what she was supposed to do.

"Hogwarts needs you!" She remembered those words so clearly it hurt. Had he really known how it was going to end, for him? Had he known? He'd kept so much from her and she didn't know why. He'd never done that to her before.

She felt the first wave of pain wash through her and she gasped as it went crashing through her. Sobs racked through her and it hurt so much she couldn't breathe. She rolled around on the floor as they continued to assault her. She felt arms go around her but she couldn't respond. Her eyes told her it was Poppy, but she had no energy to do or say anything.

She took in another sharp breath as she was pulled from the floor and pulled into Poppy's embrace. She cried for Albus, cried for the pain he must have felt, cried for whatever he might have been thinking before his life was taken from him, and cried for all the times she would never see his warm smile. She also cried for all the new memories he would never be a part of.

It was only then that Minerva understood something she never could have said aloud. She had loved him so deeply, but she would never get the chance to tell him. And just maybe he couldn't have returned that love. But, she would never know.


End file.
